Sex and Single Implant

Parents, siblings, aunts, and anyone else who does not want the mental images that are about to happen, you may wish to tune out at this time.

You still with us?

Alright, lets go.

For a blog called Sexy Cyborg Husbandry, I’ve put this off an awfully long time. But it’s time.

There’s a lot of assumptions about sex that I have as a normal hearing person. Things that you never really stop to think “Man, this is not going to work with someone who can barely hear you.” But they are. Consider the following:

  1. Mood Music: Do you like to play some Barry White to get your lady in the mood? Or perhaps something with a nice, thumping beat to set the rhythm for you? Well, forget it. Music hasn’t been a big part of my wife’s life for a long time. The only thing that has sounded good is some dudes with acoustic guitars. Those only sound good when she’s paying attention. And if Jack Johnson is your idea of sexy time music, get off of my blog.
  2. Talking Dirty: Good luck. “You’re gonna do what? No, stop a second, what did you say? No, still didn’t catch that. Say it again. Oh. Huh. That’s what I thought you said. I thought I must have been hearing something wrong…”
  3. Feedback, requests for feedback, etc: Again, good luck. Nothing says lovin’ like having to stop the thing that you’re doing to loudly find out if you should keep doing the thing that you’re doing.
  4. Roleplay: Oh, lord. I’ve tried playing (non-sexual) D&D with my wife. Just sitting around a table, trying to explain what we’re doing. But suddenly everyone isn’t using the same speech patterns she’s used to, all the vocabulary is different, and she can’t follow any of it. And that’s sitting still, concentrating really hard on what’s going on. Otherwise, good luck.

Now, none of these things are deal breakers for me. Just different.

So now my wife’s a cyborg. So how have those changed?

Well, my wife now has a t-mike stuck on her ear and a magnet on her head. The processor goes behind her ear, which is great for standing up. The magnet isn’t super strong (a bonus for not rubbing through her skin and creating a massive, open wound), but it’s plenty to hold the bit that it has to, provided that it also doesn’t have to support the processor.

But when you’re not standing up, the processor can slide off the ear pretty easily. Especially if, say, certain forces are causing that ear to move back and forth. And when the processor comes off, the magnet comes off with it. And since the surgery does kill what’s left of your natural hearing, suddenly my wife is very, very deaf.

Which leaves her with two choices. Pause for a moment to re-attach her hearing, or ignore it and go about her business.

Which option wins depends on where in the process we are. The farther along things have gone, the less likely she is to care. Which means getting the joy of honest-to-god deaf girl orgasms.

Girls with Slingshots got this one right.

Luckily, our bedroom borders our elderly neighbor whose hearing is terrible. Also the wall on that side has no windows. *phew*

But afterwards, my wife has the option of putting her implant back on. And you know what’s neat? With the implant in, we can have a quiet conversation. Like, honest-to-god pillow talk. Without using our outside voice. Just quietly lay in bed talking about absolutely nothing, like any other normal couple.


About tim

I'm a guy whose wife is going through the process of getting a cochlear implant and writing about it. Because why not?
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